Mental illness runs in my family so I am very familiar with the symptoms. Over the course of my thirty-six years, I can honestly say I have faced many challenges including thoughts of suicide and depression. Having a condition, such as IC, definitely adds to the battle for me personally.
Before I was diagnosed with IC I experienced many mental health issues, I just did not know what to call them at the time. Depression was there and amplified by having children and the postpartum that comes along with it.
That being said I learned how to control my emotions for the most part and anytime it got too much I would simply eat my way through several cakes or anything with a high sugar content. Mostly chocolate as it was a quick fix and did the job perfectly for me.
Now enter my condition.
A condition where one of the biggest problems would be eating chocolate of any kind. Even any high concentrated amount of sugar would trigger me at this point. My once comforter is now a guaranteed promise of pain and misery, possibly more so than the emotions I am trying to deal with and failing.
I admit it. Today/this evening I felt the need for junk food. And not just any junk food. Chocolate. The one thing I've done so well in the past few years, but then tripped up on during the last few months.
Today was a blast from the past. I devoured bar after bar without a second thought. It was only when I began to feel sick from the amount that I stopped. Clearly, my condition is not the only part of me that is not used to dealing with this much chocolate anymore.
Honestly, I did not feel in the least bit guilty about what I had done, but I did have a little regret. The regret came once nausea set in as I knew the mass amount of pain my body would endure because of it.
It is a strange cycle to go on:
Emotions + Chocolate + Overeating = Condition flare
Condition flare = Emotions and the cycle starts over.
I feel as if any condition that is chronic and never goes away adds to the feelings of being broken and alone, which in turn fuels the fire of depression when it raises its ugly head. It is hard for me to admit but I still struggle, almost daily with depression and even thoughts of suicide or abandonment.
The only thing I can say to maybe help someone hold on to life as I do is find your anchor to this world. Usually, it is my family, husband, and kids but the past few months I needed something else.
I am a huge Twilight fan, also known as a TwiHard, and last year I had the great opportunity to go to Forks, Washington where things in the books/movie take place. It was a an amazing experience and I decided to go again this year. Forever Twilight in Forks is the event name.
Over the past few months, as my depression came and went, I focused on this trip. This trip was the reason I needed to hold onto. It became my anchor. No matter how bad my thoughts got I just kept focusing on the trip. Making arrangements in my head, instead of the voices screaming at me about my failures.
Even on the trip itself, I struggled to engage in some events, but I pushed myself to go, smile, interact with other people and take pictures of things. Pictures of everything. I know in the months to come if I am feeling down I can look back on those pictures with a genuine smile and my anchor will still help pull me back.
I honestly feel that this trip helped save my life this year, though not many people know it did, as I smiled and played the part as I always do. I admit writing this blog entry is hard but I feel a slight lifting from me as talking about it is making it better a little.
Find your anchor. Whatever it may be and grab hold. Grab it as tightly as you can as it may be the difference between life and death. Do not let your depression get the better of you. You are not alone. You are loved. You are enough.
Remember that and I will try to do the same.
#alwayskeepfighting
#youarenotalone
#youareenough
Alison
