Admit it to yourself.
Go on I can wait.
Okay, so if you are still reading you have admitted that you agree with the title of this blog.
The time comes in every condition that is pain related when you reach low points. It is inevitable. The pain gets too much. The pressure to keep up appearances. The ignorance of others. The constant controlling of everything. The fact that though your life has changed in a huge way, the world continues to tick as if it is the same.
Whatever it is that sets off the trigger it does not matter. The fact is we all hit them. A low point. In whatever form it takes there it is. Your low point. You convince yourself that its okay everyone has a low point and push on. Things are going great maybe for a few days, weeks or months, but then it happens again.
Another low point. And before you know it another low point.
Before you know it, you cannot remember the last good day and you seem to be counting more low points than even normal ones. You go through the process I like to call the IC 8 Steps To Recovery.
Realization - Notice the amount of low points.
Confusion - How did it get this way?
Denial - No it cannot be that long since a good day.
Anger - I thought things were supposed to get better. I'll make them better.
Sadness - How can this be? Why can't things get better? (I call this the pity party step)
(Anger and Sadness can interchange many times before you reach the next step)
Loneliness - No one knows how this feels. I'm all alone.
*******This is usually when most people go thru pretty much every emotion*****
Finally the upside:
Acceptance - Okay its true. Its really been that many days.
Determination - This does not make the days instantly get better but this is where people are made or broken. For now let's focus on this one.
Determination is described as the follow:
- The act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose.
- Ascertainment, as after observation or investigation.
- The information ascertained; solution.
- The settlement of a dispute, question, etc., as byauthoritative decision.
- The decision or settlement arrived at or pronounced.
- .The quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
I personally like the last one: The quality of being resolute, firmness of purpose. I like the idea that it means we have firmness of purpose. When we reach one of the low points we need something as strong as a purpose to keep going. It could be something small, like a smile from a stranger to show that they see you or something more significant like a loved one.
For me its really depends on how deep my low point has gone. If i am just skimming the top then a simple rain fall and dancing in the rain with the kids will help lift me out. Other times I feel like Alice in Wonderland who got too close to the edge and fell in deeper than she ever thought possible. Those low points are something else entirely.
One of my lowest IC points came about a month or so ago. I had to make an emergency trip to my hometown for a funeral, already a big mess. I was to be the band aid for the person with a giant hole in their heart where the loved used to be.
How can anyone even begin to do something like that?
What could I really say to make a pain like that go away?
Honestly, I just did the best I could. The trouble for me started when I returned. I miss my family a lot, more than I usually care to admit, and I missed my husband and children while I was there.
Flying home I realized a few things, mostly that the entire time I had been home I had been playing the part of band aid. Smiling, laughing, making jokes and trying to make everyone else feel better. Its what I do. But on the plane I thought back to when I had cried my own tears of sadness for the loss to our family and I came up blank.
I had focused so much what I had to do that I forgot about my own grief and when I returned I did what I do best. I buried it. Once I am home I have other responsibilities and grieving for a family member I did not know extremely well was not one of them.
Long story short I did not know how far into the rabbit hole I had fallen until the old me emerged, I like to call her self sabotage. She usually stays buried but every so often she raises her ugly head and I begin a downward spiral of despair that leads me to cause my own husband and kids grief.
I did not know honestly where the hole was I even fell down but I knew instantly I would never make it out alone. There was no way. I had no choice but to get on my knees and pray.
Yes, I said pray.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, aka Mormon, and proud to be. I am not saying that religion is for everyone but in that moment, as well as many before and I am certain more to come in the future, it was my saving grace.
By this low point I had wedged between all other relationships and he was simply the last one. I knew it could not do anything alone and he would help me, even though I am not even close to being the church member I wish I was.
Now saying this I am not saying he automatically fixed everything and I lived happily ever after or that everyone would feel the same way. You need to find your own saving grace. In whatever form it takes. We are all different and as such need different things. Grab hold onto anything. Anything at all that will keep you in the fight and keep you in the game.
I am the biggest supporter of any cause that is Suicide Prevention so I will always, always find a way to hang out. And I want anyone reading this to do the same. I do not care about your past or what you are dealing with, I care that you have a future.
No matter how far down the rabbit hole goes there is ALWAYS a way.
Though I do not know you. I am with you. I care. Always keep fighting.
Alison :)
#Alwayskeepfighting
#Wegotthis
#Neveralone
