*Disclaimer: This post covers a subject that is not suitable for anyone who is underage or sensitive to graphic information regarding sex. Read at your own discretion.
A few days ago, June 1st, I was lucky enough to celebrate our wedding anniversary of 13 years. Back in 2002 I married a wonderful American man, who chose me to be his bride. Over the course of those years we have been through a lot and I thought that we could survive anything. I was right.
Anyone with IC, Interstitial Cystitis, or chronic pain of any kind can understand that during certain times our sex drive goes from pretty much 1 to nothing at all. It is incredibly hard to be intimate with your other half when pain is taking over your entire day and night, all the time.
When my pain started around April or May last year, 2014, I thought I had just pulled a muscle or maybe just eaten something that did not agree with me. As my pain got worse, doctors started thinking I was crazy and my poor husband just did not understand. The year started off great and because of my health and lack of sex drive our relationship became one of few and far between intimate moments.
Ask any person who suffers from depression how easy it is to feel sexy, even with lingerie, when you feel so sad and angry all the time. My husband and I went from a few times a week to maybe once or twice a month.
Anyone who says sex is not a big part of a marriage is either not paying attention or single. Intimacy for a man is through sex. Meaning that he feels closest to you during foreplay, the act itself and those precious moments after. Some men, not all, experience sex or the releasing of the sperm and then physically hurt, actual stomach pain, if they go a long period of time without release.
Now I know a few wives and their husbands and the idea that you can cause them real pain by not fulfilling your duty to them is just heartbreaking. I would never in a million years what to cause my husband any kind of pain, especially when its something that I can help with.
Of course now we are getting into the realm of alternative means of release for your man. (I can only help women in this situation since I am not a man and do not have any experience in that department). Chronic pain and the mental toll it takes on us is not something to be taken lightly, however being in a serious relationship means that our mood affects not only us but also those around us. If we are unable to take care of our partners needs then we need to find ways to help them.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Starting with the basics would be the old fashion hand job. This is a way for you to make out and help your partner release without having actual sex.
- Blow Jobs are something that men love and most women hate. Just remember in this situation we are taking care of our partner and helping them during our time of sadness, depression and/or pain.
- Lap dancing. Depending on your range of motion, level of pain etc you may not be able to try this but on a day when you are feeling up to it shake that thing and make your man happy.
- Lingerie is something that can help your mood and give you that feeling of sexiness. In other cases it will help your man more than you, but again remember we are helping them in our time of pain.
- If you are feeling up to having sex and not just fooling around try different positions. With our condition having a man's full body weight on your stomach is not usually a good idea, especially if your a little achy. Try being on top or the from behind position instead to help remove the extra pressure.
- Talk it out with your partner. Discuss what options you are willing to try and which they are most comfortable with. Communication is key to any relationship so you should be able to talk to your partner about this.
- Be prepared to come out of your comfort zone. I do not mean go try crazy things you never dreamed you would but know that with your life style change diet wise, you may need to change how you look at other situations as well thanks to our condition. Do not fear change. Embrace it.
No matter what you try just remember for some of us it took a while for a diagnosis so you will need to try new things and maybe google for ideas on ways to help your man out while you deal with it.
Over the course of 13 years of marriage I have learnt that people who say it is 50 - 50 are wrong. You have to give 100% to your partner. If you love them and do not wish to cause them any pain, sadness or discomfort you have to find ways so that both of you can push through this condition and the symptoms. It really is a team effort.
My husband and I have had a great sex life and thankfully the older I have gotten the more my sex drive has kicked into gear. Before I was diagnosed I could not help but be upset at the fact that I finally got a sex drive only for it to stall thanks to my pain and depression. I learned to take comfort in the fact that I could still please him and deal with my issues at the same time. Thankfully now my condition and several surgeries are under control we are getting back to the way our sex life used to be.
If you take anything away from this post I would hope it is the fact that things do get better. Even if you do not feel in the right mind set or right place there is always something you can do. If you can not control your own happiness try focusing on the happiness of your partner. Making them happy will in turn cheer you up and enable you to see that it may take time but you will reach happiness for yourself in the end.
Have fun making each other happy.
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